When we go through something difficult or challenging, are we the same when we emerge from the other side of the tunnel? Or do our experiences change us?

I hope both are true.

Resilience is our ability to recover from difficulty, or to spring back into shape. Resilient people learn from their experiences – through our many years of resilience work, we found that resilient people have three distinct qualities:

1. Strong Relationships
2. A Sense of Purpose
3. A High Level of Self-Esteem

The special thing about the pillars above is that anybody can cultivate them. It would be foolish and irresponsible to pretend resilience is simple or that the obstacles and stresses of life are the same for everyone. Our lives, circumstances, and experiences are vastly different, and flatly put, we do not all need the same amount of resilience. Some folks, for whatever reason, will need to dig a little deeper. However, despite our differences, these three pillars can provide relief to anybody. Finally, before elaborating on our building blocks of resilience, it is important to emphasize that “resilience,” does not necessarily mean “overcoming” stress. Sometimes the most stressful moments in our lives are not hurdles to jump over or tasks to be completed. Our keys to resilience do not deal with “solutions,” at all; they deal with our ability to cope in a way that is healthy for us and those around us. With that said, here are our three building blocks for resilience.

Strong Relationships

Strong relationships are connections to people who care about what happens to us, and whom we care about as well. It does not matter in what area of life we met them, or the “label,” that applies to them: boss, coach, colleague, family member, friend, partner, spouse, etc. While many of these relationships can be strategically beneficial, (e.g., “I know a guy,”) relationships only help cultivate resilience when there is a mutual interest in each others’ emotional well-being.

The function of mutual relationships in resilience is to provide a place for accountability, responsibility, and relief. When we are feeling pent up, afraid, or stressed, resilient people lean on their network of friends, family, coworkers, and community. Beyond the relief, there is great value in having a network that challenges us and provides perspective. Resilience is built outside of our comfort zones. Healthy relationships pick us up when we fall and push us to become the best version of ourselves.

It is worth mentioning that having these networks but refusing to engage them is also a failure to building true resilience; there are no bonus points waiting at the end for people who “did it on their own.” Resilience also isn’t just about struggling through unfortunate times. It is just as important to have these relationships to toast to the celebratory ones. A joy shared is twice the joy, a grief shared is half the grief.

A Sense of Purpose

A significant point of failure for people is their tendency to slip into “autopilot.” They drift through life on instinct, always reacting to things, rather than taking thoughtful and strategic action. A simple reason this happens is because people lose sight of where they are going – and why they want to go there. Purpose is something that we build towards, or something that we truly believe in.

Resilience is also garnered through a sense of purpose. Simply put, we need a why to propel us through hard work or struggle to get to the other side. It’s easy to stop if there is no destination. And it’s easy to fail if there is no goal to reach. Detours, wrong-turns, and backtracking are all guaranteed to happen at some point. Often in life, the things that bring us stress are situations thrust upon us. Difficult times will darken all of our doors eventually, and losing sight of what’s important can make it even more difficult. Struggling for the sake of struggling is a waste of time, but struggling to accomplish something can be transformative and help us learn who we are, and what we’re really made of.

Self-Esteem

The final—and perhaps most important—quality of resilience is self-esteem, which comes down to two things: believing in our abilities and knowing we are worthy. However, not every source of stress is something to be “solved.” Sometimes damage control is all we can work towards – but this third pillar of resilience is our belief that we have agency and that there’s always something we can do to better our situation. Sometimes that thing is to take action – other times that thing is to be vulnerable, confide, or reflect.

Sometimes, when the situation we feel stuck in is a consequence of our own actions, folks feel like they deserve to feel unhappy. It happens to the best of us. It’s so easy to compare ourselves to others and their situations. A key component of resilience is not to compound the stress we already feel with shame – shame for being in this situation in the first place or for not “solving,” it quicker. Of course, it is perfectly reasonable to feel regret or accountability when we make a mistake, or hurt someone – but wallowing helps nobody.

Ironically, believing we have agency can be overwhelming. If we have no power in this situation, then we have an excuse to not put the hard work in. Admitting we have the power to make a change is scary because it makes us vulnerable. It’s much easier to throw our hands up and accept the consequences than it is to change. Resilience starts with believing we have the strength to create a better future.

How to Cultivate Resilience

As always, OKA believes knowledge is only valuable if it can result in new action. This blog post is the sister-component to a webinar on resilience that OKA’s Hile Rutledge hosted in January. The webinar goes further in depth on the tools folks can actually use to activate these ideas in their own life. The tools, all of which OKA certifies and teaches in, include: the Team Performance Inventory (TPI,) the DRiV, and the EQ-i 2.0. OKA also offers The Benchmark, a diagnostic tool for executive teams that takes these 3 tools and helps us create a high performing development plan. In case you missed the webinar, you can access the recording by filling out the contact form below! Alternatively, if you are interested in any of the tools we offer, or in learning more about our Emotional Resilience Program, contact OKA’s Director of Business Development, Catherine Germinario (cgerminario@oka-online.com) to see how we can bring training to you!

To view our full webinar on resilience, please fill out the form below. We hope you learn, enjoy, and to see you next time!