2024 Holiday Conflict Coping Toolkit

Thanksgiving is a complicated holiday, both in its history and mythology and in its current reality. Traditionally, Thanksgiving is about uniting with family and taking a day to celebrate what we have. In practice, many folks stress about—even dread—the time with family and the awkward interactions that the holiday brings. So, our blog this week discusses our Holiday Conflict Coping Toolkit. The ideas are rooted in the EQ-i 2.0, one of several tools OKA uses to understand and teach Emotional Intelligence, leadership development, and how to be the best version of ourselves.

Conflict at family events can be sparked by all kinds of things: religion, politics, and the great pumpkin. Regardless of what is at its root, most conflict arises—from an EQ perspective—from Independence and Assertiveness. The urge to argue, defend, provoke, explain, speak out, or set the record straight are all Independence and Assertiveness actions. They are both important skills and behaviors, but there’s a time and place for each tool. Many people set finite, short-term holiday goals to keep the peace and to bypass confrontation if it happens. To do so, we suggest leveraging Emotional Self-Awareness, Empathy, and Impulse Control. Today, we will focus on the Impulse Control element specifically.

Impulse Control is the ability to resist or delay an impulse, drive, or temptation to act – avoiding rash actions, behaviors, and decisions.

Impulse Control prompts us to think about the implications first—what would expressing thoughts and feelings contribute to the situation at hand? This is a poignant crossroads that Impulse Control leads you towards. Sometimes expressing thoughts or feelings can contribute positively to the conversation. You or a family member may consider new data or learn something. However, your thoughts and feelings may land on people who do not agree, understand, or care. Regardless of how correct or well-phrased your point is—or how loudly you state it—it may not matter. Impulse Control helps you to pause and consider the ramifications of your actions. You may decide—upon delay—to say something bold anyway. However, coming to the crossroads and considering—thinking strategically—is always better than letting your emotions choose for you.

As with all things EQ, this information is most useful when paired with an action plan. Impulse Control can feel unrewarding to practice because “holding back,” to many, doesn’t feel rewarding in the moment. That depends on what the goal of the moment is. If your holiday goals are to speak your mind, draw your boundary, and make your feelings known, Assertiveness and Independence are going to be the tools you need, and the price of those tools is often disruption and conflict. If you’d rather a dinner table that brings group harmony, peace, and finding and growing the personal and emotional overlap you have with your holiday companions, Impulse Control can filter out your Assertiveness and let other more relationship-centric behaviors take the lead.

There are plenty of productive ways to practice Impulse Control:

• Make foresight a habit by keeping a journal. Write down the thoughts, feelings, or actions that you want to take.
• Follow through even further by writing down the potential outcomes had you taken those actions.
• If a conversation starts to go sideways and you’re not sure you can hold your tongue, walking away is another form of Impulse Control. It might feel awkward, but not more awkward than saying something you regret.
• Another valuable way of practicing Impulse Control is to confide in a trusted friend or family member. Take time to find clarity with them and see if you can offer them a similar safety valve.

Impulse Control can be a difficult muscle to build, but its dividends are bountiful. You know the saying: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

OKA wishes you a wonderful Thanksgiving—full of reflection on your blessings and a peaceful time with your family, but if conflict comes around, we hope our Holiday Conflict Toolkit comes in handy.